Jul. 17th, 2015

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So, my dad couldn't get a ticket for tonight so he's coming home in the morning instead. I know I need to grow up and not be upset about a few hours, hours we would have been asleep anyway. But I am. Because I get upset every time it's time for him to go back, or when he can't come home "on time" etc.. I know it's immature and irrational, but I can't help it.  It really, really bothers me, and I wish so badly he could have a local job or we could go to where he works so he would be home every day after work. Of course I am very grateful for everything from him having a job and the ability to do it and such, but that doesn't mean some things about this pattern we've been stuck in for 12 years aren't difficult to deal with. Part of it is anxiety over us being able to manage efficiently. I need to be able to drive before I feel like we're safe. I'm stuck here all week, myself disabled, taking care of a more disabled person and we have no access to public transit and I can't drive. We are one emergency away from total disaster. I think that must be the real root because in Philly it didn't freak me out as much. Having easy access to the bus lines, I felt more independent and capable to do whatever we needed to do. Of course I love my dad with all my heart and I am always happiest when he's here with us, but I think the root of my ANXIETY over his being away so much has to do with not feeling safe.

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neverboreyouraudience

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