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I am done with Circle. I am finding an apprentice Kids Team Leader and getting out. The level of abuse and insanity that was thrown at me after cell by someone who was supposed to be my spiritual leader and my friend was just too much. I am done. I'm going back to the Assemblies of God. When I move to Texas I'll start over on my own.
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So, my dad couldn't get a ticket for tonight so he's coming home in the morning instead. I know I need to grow up and not be upset about a few hours, hours we would have been asleep anyway. But I am. Because I get upset every time it's time for him to go back, or when he can't come home "on time" etc.. I know it's immature and irrational, but I can't help it.  It really, really bothers me, and I wish so badly he could have a local job or we could go to where he works so he would be home every day after work. Of course I am very grateful for everything from him having a job and the ability to do it and such, but that doesn't mean some things about this pattern we've been stuck in for 12 years aren't difficult to deal with. Part of it is anxiety over us being able to manage efficiently. I need to be able to drive before I feel like we're safe. I'm stuck here all week, myself disabled, taking care of a more disabled person and we have no access to public transit and I can't drive. We are one emergency away from total disaster. I think that must be the real root because in Philly it didn't freak me out as much. Having easy access to the bus lines, I felt more independent and capable to do whatever we needed to do. Of course I love my dad with all my heart and I am always happiest when he's here with us, but I think the root of my ANXIETY over his being away so much has to do with not feeling safe.
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Some fool just posted on CMA how "pain never killed anyone" .. I can't believe the self-righteous audacity of some people.  I'm copying my answer here incase she deletes it, because I will repost it as my OWN post if I have to to make sure it's out there.

Your doctor sounds like a joke. I can't believe how judgemental some people on this group are. In 17 years of migraine I've only gone to the ER for it twice, but there have been times I *should* have, but couldn't because I didn't have insurance. I cannot work, and the fact is many of us can't. Everyone's pain levels, symptoms, experiences and needs are different. We are all individuals struggling with a debilitating condition that 99% of the unaffected population DOES NOT understand. If we get judgement with one another and start turning on each other, who do we have?

By the way, it is completely inaccurate to say pain never killed anyone. People with chronic migraine are not only potentially at a higher risk of stroke or aneurysm, even with clean MRIs, but people also die directly related to their migraines. I have known of more than one person who died because they had to drive with one and got into an accident that likely wouldn't have happened if they weren't in crippling pain. And, tragically, people take their own lives to escape this unrelenting pain and the stigma, isolation, depression and anxiety that goes along with it.

This group is for support and understanding. Judgement and "you can't have it as bad as I do" or "you're not doing it right because this isn't what I do" is only harmful and derisive.

neverboreyouraudience: (Default)
Sometimes the stress of other people's anxiety is enough to send me into full panic mode... I go to great lengths to never mistreat other people because of my own anxiety issues, and I keep pretty damn good control of myself. The fact that certain other people refuse to do the same and will cross every line to be difficult, irrational, mean and just plain nasty is very upsetting to deal with.  I was doing pretty good til mom got up and said we were "sneaking off" to leave her alone.  I need a damn haircut and I have to go early because dealing with crowds in there is a huge trigger for me. But no, I get berated, yelled at and guilt tripped for it because somehow it's personal that she is being left home because we did it out of consideration to her for the fact that if she sleeps through it she won't realize she's alone, which upsets her. Because she's a bloody BORDERLINE and won't admit it.

All because of the fact that a cat got in her path while she walked down the hall. That was enough to set her off. I always have to remember that as far as her delusional paranoid mind is concerned, I am the only one who ever wanted any animals and I am the only one who is keeping them even though neither is true.

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    Helen: Novali'im are human at their roots but they've evolved to tolerate the magic on their homeworld even to require it. Triens' DNA is inheritedly altered, their DNA has a triple helix which means exposure to the Source --
    Nikola: Automatically turns them into vampires.
    Henry: Yeah like Anni.. and now Jairus. How the hell did you think THAT was a good idea?
    Nikola: What was I supposed to do run a DNA scan on him? There would have been no way to tell him apart from Edan. Identical twins.
    Edan: Trien are different..
    Helen: ... the DNA locks on a certain mitochondrial strand over a week after conception, allowing different tribes to express genes in otherwise identical siblings.
    Henry: This is really not good.. You just took the most badass, kill-everything-in-his-way Trien and turned him into an immortal with super healing and who knows what else.
    Nikola: I'll figure it out!
    Edan: You already made a mess of things..
    Nikola: Shut it, Simba.
    Helen: ENOUGH!
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I have to say this.  No matter how often I use this as a venting place for my anxiety and thoughts that feel too ridiculous to actually share with anyone personally, I also want to say how grateful I am to God for how consistently He has been there, and in what ways both large and small He has shown that.  I just saw this on my facebook wall and want to place it here as a reminder to myself, and who knows, maybe someone else.

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Well, I felt like things were getting better, but the truth is now my anxiety is right back up for exactly the same stupid reason as it was before.  I know it's irrational, not to mention pointless on every level.  I even know it proves time and time again not to be the case.  But something about this particular situation sets me off and I'm not even sure why, except for the whole mixed signals theory I developed lately about my triggers.

I've lost almost all interest in so much lately, so I know depression is a major player in this anxiety even beyond the triggers.  There's not much I can do but wait it out, I still have no insurance and have no way to acquire any for several months which means no topamax, which means no migraine/depression treatment.

Writing here seems to help, and I have mixed feelings about knowing nobody reads this.  It helps because I am a very private person.. but it would kind of be good to have someone say "hey, I see you, and I know what you're feeling." too...  Maybe someday.

To be honest I don't even know how much use this site sees overall, and that's fine.  I really like it.
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I don't really know what to say, but I feel like I need to write something.  Someone has been very strange to me lately and I can't really figure out why.  This person seems one way then the actions bear out another way, and it has really been bothering me.  As I wrote before, mixed signals is a really big anxiety trigger for me given many years of traumatic experiences in just this sort of thing growing up.  It is very hard for me to trust people or let anyone close, and when I do.. if they then leave, fine ... but if they act like they are trying to have some weird, mixed-signal dynamic it just... stresses me out to no end.  I shouldn't care but the fact is I do and it bothers me greatly.  There is no one I can fully and openly talk about this with, but writing here seems to help.
neverboreyouraudience: (Default)
Worry is a place of exile and pain. Since God's Name YHVH (יהוה) means "Presence" and "Love," to be troubled or anxious is to practice the absence of God's presence instead of practicing His Presence... Where it is written, "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Pet. 5:7), the word translated "anxiety" (μέριμνα) comes from a verb (μερίζω) that means to be fragmented or divided into parts and pieces. Fear divides the soul and weakens the resolve to be healed... To be made whole, to find inner peace, we must confess our brokenness and receive again God's love and care for our lives...
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Anxiety is eating me again, and I'm not sure why.  The hardest part is not being able to identify a thought to retrain, because I'm pretty sure if I could, I would be able to stop it and carry on without trouble.  I'm not the type to be easily defeated or give up.  But this general feeling of depression, nameless fear and an inability to reach out or fix it is nearly paralyzing on every level.  Physically, emotionally.  I can't think clearly.  I can barely get anything done because I find myself just ... frozen.  I find writing here helps a bit and so I'm trying to do that more.  With relative anonymity I don't much care if anyone ever reads this or not.  This site seems smaller than say livejournal or insanejournal, and the former is too big and too altered from its original self and the latter is mostly a hub for roleplayers.  Which is fine, I love to roleplay.. but lately I've been backburnering everything except like .. tumblr and maybe 3 people on AOL, yet I get the distinct feeling one of them is backburnering me.  And I guess that kind of bothers me too, but I don't want to taint this up too much with talk of that.

I'm trying to get some cleaning done and deal with a situation here that I don't really want to go into.  It's just so hard with this anxiety.  I am doing everything I can for myself.  Lemongrass tea, B-12, breathing exercises, cognitive retraining (as best I can with no definitive fear thought), trying to keep focused and productive despite the overwhelming feelings.
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So, I've been trying to do some self-help for my anxiety. But so many of these sites I found list advice like.. "identify your irrational fear thought and replace it with a positive, rational and realistic thought" ... Okay problem: my anxiety is more of an emotion than a thought.  I almost never have an "irrational thought" to create my anxiety.  I am a visual and impressionistic thinker, and often my thought process doesn't involve much in the way of self-constructive conversation to begin with unless I am trying to communicate to someone else.  Maybe that's why my spoken words are so important to me, to convey exactly what I want to say in as precise of words as possible.  I've had people tell me to just say what I feel and not worry about being misunderstood.. but I get misunderstood every time I do that because I don't feel in words... It takes a separate level of thought for me to put my feelings to words and that makes self-help for anxiety very difficult.

Lately I've even been avoiding people online.  People I usually enjoy talking to, because I've found myself feeling like a total bother to them or like I might say the wrong thing .. There are two people I've un-blocked from my IM service because for some reason I feel safe.  One I know exactly why .. I've known her for 15 years and she knows me, and she understands about anxiety.  The other?  Well I just feel like she gets it. I've known her a few years but only really gotten to know her beyond that same mutual friend I previously mentioned in the past six months or so, but she's pretty awesome and we get along well.

And then there's people I've known anywhere from almost a year but one of my favorite RP partners, to people I've known almost as long as the first person I mentioned.. who I usually get along great with, but for whatever reason I may or may not feel secure that they'll understand me where I'm at right now.

And so I hide.

B12 huh? Well.. I have some supplements for that here .. let's see what happens.

I want my bloody topamax back.

neverboreyouraudience: (Default)
Walt Whitman: There Was a Child Went Forth Everyday

THERE was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look’d upon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.

The early lilacs became part of this child,
And grass, and white and red morning-glories, and white and red clover, and the song of the phoebe-bird,
And the Third-month lambs, and the sow’s pink-faint litter, and the mare’s foal, and the cow’s calf,
And the noisy brood of the barn-yard, or by the mire of the pond-side,
And the fish suspending themselves so curiously below there—and the beautiful curious liquid,
And the water-plants with their graceful flat heads—all became part of him.

The field-sprouts of Fourth-month and Fifth-month became part of him;
Winter-grain sprouts, and those of the light-yellow corn, and the esculent roots of the garden,
And the apple-trees cover’d with blossoms, and the fruit afterward, and wood-berries, and the commonest weeds by the road;
And the old drunkard staggering home from the out-house of the tavern, whence he had lately risen,
And the school-mistress that pass’d on her way to the school,
And the friendly boys that pass’d—and the quarrelsome boys,
And the tidy and fresh-cheek’d girls—and the barefoot negro boy and girl,
And all the changes of city and country, wherever he went.

His own parents,
He that had father’d him, and she that had conceiv’d him in her womb, and birth’d him,
They gave this child more of themselves than that;
They gave him afterward every day—they became part of him.

The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words—clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger’d, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the tight bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture—the yearning and swelling heart,
Affection that will not be gainsay’d—the sense of what is real—the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal,
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time—the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?
Men and women crowding fast in the streets—if they are not flashes and specks, what are they?
The streets themselves, and the façades of houses, and goods in the windows,
Vehicles, teams, the heavy-plank’d wharves—the huge crossing at the ferries,
The village on the highland, seen from afar at sunset—the river between,
Shadows, aureola and mist, the light falling on roofs and gables of white or brown, three miles off,
The schooner near by, sleepily dropping down the tide—the little boat slack-tow’d astern,
The hurrying tumbling waves, quick-broken crests, slapping,
The strata of color’d clouds, the long bar of maroon-tint, away solitary by itself—the spread of purity it lies motionless in,
The horizon’s edge, the flying sea-crow, the fragrance of salt marsh and shore mud;
These became part of that child who went forth every day, and who now goes, and will always go forth every day.
neverboreyouraudience: (Default)
some see a Teacher standing on a hill
speaking words of wisdom
some see a Healer reaching out His hand
to give sight to a blind man
some see a Dreamer wasting His life
on what can never be
some see a fool dying for
 His dreams

But I see love, I see love
Light of heaven breaking through
I see grace, I see God's face
Shining pure and perfect love
when I see You
I see love

some see a Prisoner alone before His judge
with no one to defend Him
some see a Victim beaten and abused
with all the world against Him
some see a Martyr carrying His cross
for what He believes
some see a Hero who set His people free

But I see love, I see love
Light of heaven breaking through
I see grace, I see God's face
Shining pure and perfect love 
when I see You

with Your last breath
(I see love)
through Your death
(I see light)
I see peace in the eyes of the King
I see hope in Your suffering
I see a calm in the center of the storm
I see a Savior

I see love, I see love
Light of heaven breaking through
I see grace, I see God's face
Shining pure and perfect love when I see You
I see love, when I see You
I see love, I see love
When I see you

Some see You walkin' from an empty grave............
neverboreyouraudience: (Default)
 how wide is Your love
that You would stretch Your arms
and go around the world?
and why for me
would a Savior's cry be heard?

I don't know why You went where I was meant to go
I don't know why You loved me so

those were my nails
was my crown
that pierced Your hands 
and Your brow
those were my thorns
those were my scorns
those were my tears
that fell down
and just as You said it would be
You did it all for me
and after You counted the cost
You took my shame
my blame
on my cross

how deep is Your grace
that You would see my need
and choose to take my place
and then for me
these words I'd hear You say:
"Father no, forgive them
for they know not what they do
I will go because I love them so."

those were my nails
was my crown
that pierced Your hands 
and Your brow
those were my thorns
those were my scorns
those were my tears
that fell down
and just as You said it would be
You did it all for me
and after You counted the cost
You took my shame
my blame
on my cross

-FFH "on my cross"-


In only a moment truth was seen
revealed this mystery
a crown that showed no dignity, He wore
and the King was placed 
for all the world to show disgrace
but only beauty flowed for this place

Would you take the place of this Man?
Would you take the nails from His hands?

The human weight of impurity
the Father would not see
the reasons have finally come to be to show
the depth of His grace
Flowed from there and sin erased
He knew that this was why He came

Would you take the place of this Man?
Would you take nails from His hands?

Yet we just don't know
Blood and water flow
In it all He showed
just how much He cared
and the veil was torn
so we could have this open door
and all these things have finally been complete

Would you take the place of this Man?
Would you take the nails from His hands?

-- Jeremy Camp: This Man --

neverboreyouraudience: (Default)
I've never been one for April 1. April Fool's has always seemed to me a complete waste of time. I have ignored it steadily since I was old enough to think past childish impulse, not for a lack of humor but because I am not a fan of time wasted or dishonesty, and pranks have always struck me as both.

I know I am the one who is not the norm in this regard, and I've decided that's okay with me. It's the same part of me who doesn't enjoy horror movies or have time for depressing songs or movies. The part of me that doesn't see the appeal in food so spicy it is painful to eat, or in roller coasters.

I don't generally share these opinions without justified reason, because I know that they would sound incredibly negative to most people. I am not a negative person. But I am a person who believes in truth over caginess, productivity over frivolity, security over risk, and the uplifting over the burdensome.

On that note, Big Miracle was disappointing. What sort of "miracle" is it when the baby whale died?

With that in mind, when I do set out to write something, especially a collaborative effort, a little angst and drama is always a good starting place. At least as far as roleplaying is concerned. I can't explain why I love angst and drama in roleplay that I'd have very little tolerance for in a movie or any other means.

Maybe it's the lack of control and just having something upsetting or depressing thrust upon you. When you write it, you can engage your mind in it and not just be subject to watching it helplessly unfold. Not that roleplay ever goes quite how you expect it and sometimes the characters' lives play themselves out in a way you could never imagine on your own. There is just something in the nature of multiple human imaginations coming together to build something moving and meaningful, or at the very least, entertaining or cathartic. We call it "feels" these days, a silly term for a very real impression.


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February 2017

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